restless reflections

May 14th 2015 ~ ‘restless reflections’ an unedited a4 letter…

I’m not sure why these certain feelings & memories have bubbled up to the surface and why I feel compelled to write it down… Hopefully I can bring a little hope, love & inspiration to someone’s life out there?

Three and a half years ago I sat at the living room table in our tiny Parisian apartment ~ silently holding together what was left of my shattered soul whilst ‘you’ paraded around, telling me the life you had suddenly planned ~ without me…
Of course there is so much more to this story than what l’m capable of voicing right now – but this heart breaking scene, this particular moment in time, I can recall in a heartbeat.
I don’t even know why I sat there, pathetically perched on the edge of my chair and listened to every word you had to say, as if it were the last sounds on earth I was about to hear? Maybe just to inspire and feed your ego just that little bit more? Probably due to the fact of how utterly devastated I was & was willing to do absolutely anything to become visible & beautiful again.
Either way, you had no empathy or regards as to what I was going through as you boldly told me your BIG ideas to go New York City. You had figured out a way to save some cash & fly over to pursue your acting dreams, researched a 3mth plan to come and go as you pleased, a supposed loop hole before obtaining a green card ~ all without me…

Looking back at this defining moment in time, my breath catches and my heart heaves ~ just thinking about that poor broken girl back then brings waves of tears to my eyes. I barely recognise her ~ her with her suicidal thoughts, battling eating disorders, trying to understand her mums diagnoses with cancer, struggling financially, scared shitless about divorce/visa issues, a lull in her career and all taking place in a foreign country she loved… I just want to wrap her up tightly and tell her,
“please hold on, fuck knows how, but you will somehow get through this.”
18 mths ago the time was right ~ I had pieced myself back together (despite being an emotional mess by the loss of mum), saved up enough money to pack my bags and move to another country to pursue MY new dreams ~ without you. Home to Australia…

 l have heard though the grapevine that you still haven’t moved.
Still talking big, still breaking hearts, still not wanting to learn anything in order to MOVE and not repeat the same mistakes over & over again…
I have no ill feelings towards you, and yes I wish things could have worked out differently ~ but they didn’t. As l always said to mum, ‘no wishing, things are what they are, so we have to make the most of that.’

Now I see that you didn’t leave me – you simply let me go so I could find myself again, to fulfil my higher calling in life.
To help people, to heal and inspire them in so many ways.
To connect each other and remind us how important we are in this crazy beautiful ONE SHOT life.
Thank ‘you’ for being so important in my life ~ for all of the joy, love, laugher, disappointment, anger and heartbreaking sadness. You have taught me more than I could have imagined. Life has been very blurry for a long time, but my vision is very clear now, stronger than ever before ~ we are always trying to find that balance, that fine line, sometimes struggling, sometimes not.
But l’m ready, each day, to embrace that beauty of the unknown future…
Much love & light, always, xt