2 years…

Mum ~ with all of her babies...Still feels like yesterday mum… 2 years today and our world just isn’t the same. Love you so much mum, even the clouds haven’t stopped crying today…
love me xxx

& with all of our tears,
hearts and thoughts combined
~ there still isn’t enough
words to say how
much we miss you…  June 18 .15

‘Isn’t Enough’

Mum ~ 2 years today

       Mum ~ 2 years today

restless reflections

May 14th 2015 ~ ‘restless reflections’ an unedited a4 letter…

I’m not sure why these certain feelings & memories have bubbled up to the surface and why I feel compelled to write it down… Hopefully I can bring a little hope, love & inspiration to someone’s life out there?

Australian Wedding Day ~ January 16 2010

Three and a half years ago I sat at the living room table in our tiny Parisian apartment ~ silently holding together what was left of my shattered soul whilst ‘you’ paraded around, telling me the life you had suddenly planned ~ without me…
Of course there is so much more to this story than what l’m capable of voicing right now – but this heart breaking scene, this particular moment in time, I can recall in a heartbeat.
I don’t even know why I sat there, pathetically perched on the edge of my chair and listened to every word you had to say, as if it were the last sounds on earth I was about to hear? Maybe just to inspire and feed your ego just that little bit more? Probably due to the fact of how utterly devastated I was & was willing to do absolutely anything to become visible & beautiful again.
Either way, you had no empathy or regards as to what I was going through as you boldly told me your BIG ideas to go New York City. You had figured out a way to save some cash & fly over to pursue your acting dreams, researched a 3mth plan to come and go as you pleased, a supposed loop hole before obtaining a green card ~ all without me…

Looking back at this defining moment in time, my breath catches and my heart heaves ~ just thinking about that poor broken girl back then brings waves of tears to my eyes. I barely recognise her ~ her with her suicidal thoughts, battling eating disorders, trying to understand her mums diagnoses with cancer, struggling financially, scared shitless about divorce/visa issues, a lull in her career and all taking place in a foreign country she loved… I just want to wrap her up tightly and tell her,
“please hold on, fuck knows how, but you will somehow get through this.”
18 mths ago the time was right ~ I had pieced myself back together (despite being an emotional mess by the loss of mum), saved up enough money to pack my bags and move to another country to pursue MY new dreams ~ without you. Home to Australia…

Living Softer with Love l have heard though the grapevine that you still haven’t moved.
Still talking big, still breaking hearts, still not wanting to learn anything in order to MOVE and not repeat the same mistakes over & over again…
I have no ill feelings towards you, and yes I wish things could have worked out differently ~ but they didn’t. As l always said to mum, ‘no wishing, things are what they are, so we have to make the most of that.’

Now I see that you didn’t leave me – you simply let me go so I could find myself again, to fulfil my higher calling in life.
To help people, to heal and inspire them in so many ways.
To connect each other and remind us how important we are in this crazy beautiful ONE SHOT life.Forgiveness
Thank ‘you’ for being so important in my life ~ for all of the joy, love, laugher, disappointment, anger and heartbreaking sadness. You have taught me more than I could have imagined. Life has been very blurry for a long time, but my vision is very clear now, stronger than ever before ~ we are always trying to find that balance, that fine line, sometimes struggling, sometimes not.
But l’m ready, each day, to embrace that beauty of the unknown future…
Much love & light, always, xt

Happiness Jars

Ahhhh – so l’ve been ready to start this year off with something I’ve been meaning to do FOR AGES.

Soooooo all you really need is a mega jar, in my case a mega big red box, scraps of paper, a pen, and your beautiful open heart…

Ive seen many versions of this over the years – 
but lm liking this way the best: 
~ Every day, at the end of the day, you grab a slip of paper and write down on it the happiest moment of the day.
~ Even on the really shitty days, you do this. Because even on these kinda days, there is one best moment (or at least, one least-worst moment.)
~ You stick that little piece of paper in the jar & over the years, you have a record of your happiness.

One of my dear friends says that on crappy days, she will shove her hand in her jar and go fishing — pulling up a handful of great moments that she would have forgotten, had she not documented them.
Some people like to pull them ALL out at the end of the year and read through them all, just to remember their sweet stories and how grateful they are for this ‘one shot’ life…
I have a handful of friends that have been doing this practice for years, and they LOVE it.

Renowned author ‘Elizabeth Gilbert” says, “If my house ever caught on fire, this would be the one material object I would grab before I ran out the door…because what’s inside this jar? THAT’S WHERE IT’S AT — the whole point of this life. Over the years, my Happiness Jar has taught me much. What continually amazes me is what ends up on the slip of paper every day. Not awesome events, not huge achievements — usually just a small and tiny thing, a moment of awareness…that moment when you step outside and between the house and the car you get hit on the top of the head with a beam of sunlight, and suddenly feel awash with gratitude simply for being alive, and you think, Yes. This is it.”

So get hunting spunks, pretty please send me pix of ‘your’ kinda 
happiness jar – can be any kind of note holding vessel what so ever!!!!
Will start off by posting mine, looking very sad and empty ~ but soooo can’t wait to fill it up 
Big love to you all ~ plant those seeds for this new year, carefully nuture them, with your time, patience, integrity and watch them grow grow grow!!!
lov lamplighter tx